Well...

I stood in front of the mirror today. I stood there and just took it all in. I was reflecting on not just my outward reflection and my changes in appearance, but the me inside as well. I was feeling as if I finally found her. The woman I’d been searching for all my life. Even as a young girl I’d always felt out of my age bracket in maturaty and emotions. My friends have ALWAYS been years older than me and to this day nearly ALL of my friends are a couple years my senior. This could just be a coincendince, but I feel it runs much deeper than that. I’ve always had this feeling inside me that I have needed to prove to others and myself that I’m worth while. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for nearly a decade and finding self worth inside myself has been non-existant.

Until today. Looking at myself, I didn’t just see a over-weight haggered woman with self inflicted scars from her head to her heels, but I saw something much more. Quite opposite even. I saw a beautiful woman. I woman with enviable long dark hair that hangs past the middle of her back.  Skin that though scared is clear and touched with a pinch of pink and freckles that keeps her appearance youthful. A body completely capable of every form of exhilaration. A body that has endured 15 weeks of religious exercise and healthy induldgence, with credit that can be awarded completely to herself. A smile that now shines brighter than it ever has. A nose that can now be loved even with the crookedness that shows the breaks and recklessness of younger years. Two arms strong with muscle from carrying a boy who holds nearly her whole heart. Two legs that are strong and will carry her through the good and bad on this earth. And above all a sound mind. A mind no longer riddled with doubt and pain. But a mind full of confidence and love for herself.

 Not only have I lost 20 lbs and that endless amount of doubt and self loathing I had for myself, but I’ve gained so much confidence in not only my appearance, but in WHO I AM. I know who I am, that I am sure of. I stand grounded and humble with full clarification of my endless possibilities, knowing now how capable I really am. I am a woman, a mother, a wife, and a daughter of God. ( I changed the YW theme a little to reflect my feelings…)

“I am a Daughter of our Heavenly Father, who loves me, and I love Him. I WILL “STAND as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places” and I will strive to live the Young Women values, which are: Faith • Divine Nature • Individual Worth • Knowledge • Choice and Accountability • Good Works • Integrity • and Virtue”

I am endlessly grateful for the opportunity I’ve had to put my full faith in the Lord and expierience this long summer alone learning and growing in every way I could. Though I really wasn’t “alone” because I’ve had an AMAZING support system I’ve leaned on and who’ve leaned back.. I am a happier person. What I might have thought before was a “Catastrophe!” now just makes me laugh. (poop on the walls, trips to the E.R, bills, the norm…) I am calm, I am patient. Two things I NEVER thought would be close to possible... I am forgiving, It’s a promise I’ve made with God it’s just as present in my life as the air I breathe. I live everyday not just for my family and myself, but for the PLAN, the plan of happiness that I want to share and hope everyone finds. I have those moments that get me down just like the next person, but I can now let things go as soon as my knees hit the ground and my head is bowed at the end of each day. I try not to worry about tomorrow because today is now so present to me.

 I just wanted to write all my thoughts down while I'm feeling them so strongly... I reached my 10% of total body weight lost this week and this really felt huge to me. A numbers just a number, but in the time I’ve lost the weight that has hung unnaturally to my body I’ve lost the pain that has been dragging me down as well. This summer has provided me with the most self-growth and happiness I’ve ever had. Trials are so temporary, but happiness can be SO permanent. If you let it. My sweetheart comes home this month, I already know there will be numerous changes in the near future, but I know we can now handle anything TOGETHER. No one can really explain a mother’s love, because it is so different from the love you have for a spouse or a friend. To me it almost feels stronger, it's so unwavering. I am grateful I am Jack’s mom. I need him and I know he needs me. We are given the mother who loves us best and I know I’m the one who loves him best. He has his ways of showing me :). And today I can say I love myself as well. Here’s to reaching goals and reaching for more.

THEN:                                                                             

NOW:

THEN:

NOW:

THEN: (Some AHEM most of these pictures I can hardly stand to even look at..ugggg!)

(come on now....why did nobody tell me??..)

NOW:

-B