Oct 27th

Dear Heather,

Last night I tried to get to bed a little' earlier than usual which transpired to actually getting to bed later i.e. 11pm...oh my gosh! Why does that always happen?!? Anyways, when my alarm went off at 3:45am I kinda just wanted to punch my phone in the face. You know that Pink song thats makes us laugh where she says, "Sometimes I want to punch you in your whole face"-thats pretty much how I felt. Luckily my hair has been doing glorious things lately, it's basically my super power right now and I am able to go 3-4 days without washing it before it gets greasy! So I was able to hit SNOOZE and get ready with plenty of time to get to work. (I am showering though, so I promise I don't smell.) Today I was put on a different area of the floor and I was in charge of stacking and organizing all of the books Costco wants to sell during the holidays. It was a refreshing change after working in "hard lines" or as I call it "the man section" with all of the tools and heavy stuff. It was pretty funny though, I had to sit in the middle of the book table sometimes in order to stack the books that needed to go in the middle. We had like 6 pallets-10 layers high worth or books to stack so by the time the store opened we were still working ( they asked me to stay past my shift) and the customers were giving me pretty strange looks as they passed by the book table I was sitting in the middle of. It made me laugh! On my way home from work I was feeling chatty and just wanted to call and talk to someone. It wasn't quite noon so mom wasn't on break yet, Ashlee was still visiting with dad so I didn't want to bother her or him..so I literally thought "hey! I'll call Heather!" Of course as soon as I thought it I was rudely reminded, "sister you can't call me duh!" I can almost hear you saying it…That's always a big blow, it happens more often than you think, and every time it hurts just as much. Heather I wish Heaven had visiting hours…
I ended up calling Alfac to see why one of my claims was taking so long lol so I did get to talk to someone at least! I did something to my foot and back though, I've been hobbling around since I got home, that can't be good! I once again crashed as soon as I saw Jack off to school and Ben was put down for a nap. I don't know how to balance my life out again yet. Even though Chris is home when I get home, we rarely get to spend time together and its frustrating. We are going to try and do date nights on Saturdays from now on so I am looking forward to that VERY MUCH. I miss my husband, I kinda' like that guy. After I woke up Chris had already left for work. He must have JUST left because he had brought Jack in from the bus and had them occupied. I feel like a loser mom when I wake up to my boys happily watching a movie on the couch together while I've been sleeping…Chris had rice in the rice cooker and meatballs ready to put in the oven for dinner, he even had green beans and pears WITH the can opener next to them. Oh! And he also had the table set! How did I get so lucky?! He knows I am stressed, I REALLY appreciate all he does for me to lighten my load. After dinner I brushed the boys teeth, Benny has finally stopped screaming and crying like I am trying to kill him so thats good news. I'm still singing the ABC song while I brush their teeth and I love hearing Jack try to sing it with his mouth full of tooth paste and a tooth brush. Gosh that kid is amazing! He seriously is so wonderful sis! We read books and said prayers, but I felt like I hadn't gotten enough time with them yet so Jack and I started chatting about all sorts of things, that boy has the BIGGEST imagination! He wanted to show me the toys he wanted to ask Santa for in the Toys R' Us and Target catalogs we had just received (he circled the things he liked with a crayon, so adorable). We chatted about how Santa doesn't always bring us EVERYTHING we want but picking 2 or 3 things we like would give Santa enough ideas to think about. I mentioned making "wish lists" and Jack was ALL over that! We cut out the pictures and glued them onto computer paper. Jack wrote him and Ben's names on their separate lists and he drew pictures of "Santa Man". Jack has pretty impressive writing and I love his letters! He actually writes Ben's name better than his own which makes me giggle.. Benny was just as enthusiastic about making the lists and started circling every other toy in the catalogs. Silly boy, he REALLY wanted to cut the pictures out himself and kept saying, "and ME!" and pointing to himself. I helped him cut one of the pictures out but he was getting really close to poking his eye out and we really didn't want to pull an "uncle stewart". After we were done Jack was ready to "take them to the North Pole." I convinced him it would be quicker if we just mailed them in the morning. I think I am going to send them to mom, just so I can scrap book them one day. Here's some pictures from our "wish list" making adventure. I would have loved if you came over to play with us tonight. Jack talks about you multiple times during the day still, I hope that never changes. He tells strangers on the street about you, and his primary teacher tells me he talks to her about you often as well. You two have a special bond that can never be broken. He even wrote you a song sis, I got him to sing it to me & teach me the words. What a heartbreaker that one! He worries me though, I'm wondering if we should take him to see a grieving counselor or something. I just want to make sure his big heart and giant spirit haven't been crushed. He's seen so much sadness in his short 4 years it worries me. Boy I wish I could squeeze and kiss him 24 hours a day. His preschool makes that hard though, but he LOVES going to school 4 days a week and LOVES riding the bus even more. He's getting so big Heather! Since you've been gone you've missed so much sister... I say this, but I do know your really not missing anything at all. Your here always it's just all of us left behind that are missing you. My good friend Karissa sent me this poem today, talk about tear jerker! I wish you were able to meet her. She lives RIGHT next door and I just love her to death. Such a sweetheart and totally down to earth, she's so giving too and completely hilarious. I know you would have liked her. Love you sis, miss you EVERYDAY. Good thing sisters are forever. Love, Bubba

Go HERE to watch the video of Jack singing the song her wrote about "Ree-Ree"

I haven’t blogged in 2 years people! Crazy…I’ve kept everyone in the loop via pictures on instagram and facebook, but I really need to get into the habit of blogging daily. Heather used her blog as her journal, she would share the most precious moments of her life and I loved reading her feelings and thoughts. She was always making me laugh with the stories she told & I loved how she wrote in the way that she was journaling for her self to remember while still entertaining us all. She wrote about what was important to her and that’s what I love so much about her blog. I still go back and read her blog posts often. I can still hear her voice in my head as I read over the stories she tells, I miss her voice and her laugh so much it hurts. There’s a lot of things I haven’t addressed since she’s passed, it been too hard and I don’t know how to fully express myself. But I’ve begun to talk to her throughout the day, I used to sort of pray to her after I said my nightly prayers, but now I find myself talking out loud to her on my way to work and asking her to watch over my boys when I can’t be with them.

Of course I become an emotional wreck every time we start “chatting” even though I don’t get a response I’ve on more than one occasion suddenly seen a butterfly pass by or another beauty from nature that I know she would just love. She was basically a Disney Princess in that regard, gentle, beautiful, and so in love and in tune with all the beauty around her. I feel her near me often and her presence has been transferred to everything beautiful I see. I feel her near with every sun set, the sight of the changing fall leaves, and I even feel her in my little boys’ smiles. She loves them so much.

We went camping with the Holman family a few weeks ago and Sagey was telling me how ever since her Grandpa Holman passed away she finds dimes everywhere she goes. Almost as if he’s saying “hi, Sage I’m always here for you” when she really needs it. Ever since we talked I have found over half a dozen dimes lying in the most peculiar of places (I’ve even started to save them in a jar)! It might sound silly to you, but it makes me smile every time. I think of her and miss her everyday, but I’ve loved having those sweet reminders. My miscarriage has been really hard. I really needed that baby and it was beginning to be the perfect distraction from all the pain. I thought it was going to be the way for me to heal my broken heart-in a way & have something to look forward to. I felt Heather was sending me this perfect gift to love and care for and it ripped my heart out to have that taken from me. It didn’t make me question the Gospel or God’s plan, but the pain in my heart and in my body has been so overwhelming. I’ve realized after this miscarriage a few things about myself…I’ve been complemented on several occasions on how strong I must be after this sorrowful year, but the thing is-I don’t FEEL strong. I feel small and sometimes I feel like I have no feelings at all. I’ve noticed that when a burden is just TOO heavy for me I cast it completely on the Lord. I KNOW I can’t do it, I can’t get through it and so I rely 100% on the Lord to carry me through to the next destination of my life. And this is the honest truth. With Heather’s passing and losing our baby I’ve beat myself up for not feeling anything sometimes. But I looked back on all the many trials I’ve been through and that is exactly how the Lord has helped me get through past and present trials. He’s helped me to not feel the things I can’t handle…My heart is so tender and so bruised I know he knows what I can and can’t handle. And even though he’s not going to take away these trials or reverse them he WILL carry me through them and he won’t make me suffer alone. My father in law gave me THE most beautiful blessing I’ve ever received. I felt Heather hold me up during part of the blessing and I felt the immense love God has for me. I was promised so many personal and good things and my sorrows were addressed individually. That blessing ignited a flame in my heart again. Without out it I don’t know how I’d by able to stand. My miscarriage has lasted several weeks and came to completion this past weekend with me miscarrying the actual baby. I didn’t know what to expect because I had a D&C with our last miscarriage (my body wouldn’t miscarry on it’s own). But this time it was horrible. I started my job the same week my miscarriage had peaked and it was all I could do to get through my 5 hour shift with body crippling cramps and using the restroom constantly, to then go home and crash for 6 hours. I didn’t want to complain or tell anyone, I mean I didn’t know ANY of these people and it was my FIRST week…so I suffered in silence. The hard labor did move things along quicker though so that was a blessing. I think all the movement and up and down motions helped my body let go of our precious little one. When I miscarried the baby I was alone and it scared me, I didn’t know what to do & my heart hurt so much knowing I really DID have a baby inside me and that I won’t get to know or raise that little one here on earth. I had nightmare that night too and it’s made me so scared to get pregnant again. I went to bed a crumpled mess and cried myself to sleep. I had to work the next morning and it was really hard to get out of bed…I went through my day as usual though, kept to myself and just tried to hammer out my work. When I was unloading the pallets on my last aisle something caught my eye, it was a dime just sitting on the floor next to my foot smiling at me and shining away and I felt Heather say, “I love you baby sister.” It was such a relief to have some sunshine in my life at that dark moment, I’m so grateful for the experiences I’ve had over the passed few months. I’m still writing them all down, but I’ve had numerous spiritual experiences with Heather that I wouldn’t have had if it weren’t for the sorrow of the miscarriage. I guess there is bitter-sweetness in all things…I have had my own guardian angel that watched over me for 25 years on earth and she is still finding time in her busy schedule in Heaven to check in on me daily. I know Heather can see when I’m hurting and she finds ways to show me she is close by loving me through it all. I also know she has her arms full with my babies in her arms. Heather was promised that she would mother children and who knows, maybe some of those children are mine. And there is nobody on earth or in heaven that I know would do a better job than my little-big sister. The remainder of my blog entries will be letters to my sweet sister, to help me feel close to her always.

Love, B