I haven’t blogged in 2 years people! Crazy…I’ve kept everyone in the loop via pictures on instagram and facebook, but I really need to get into the habit of blogging daily. Heather used her blog as her journal, she would share the most precious moments of her life and I loved reading her feelings and thoughts. She was always making me laugh with the stories she told & I loved how she wrote in the way that she was journaling for her self to remember while still entertaining us all. She wrote about what was important to her and that’s what I love so much about her blog. I still go back and read her blog posts often. I can still hear her voice in my head as I read over the stories she tells, I miss her voice and her laugh so much it hurts. There’s a lot of things I haven’t addressed since she’s passed, it been too hard and I don’t know how to fully express myself. But I’ve begun to talk to her throughout the day, I used to sort of pray to her after I said my nightly prayers, but now I find myself talking out loud to her on my way to work and asking her to watch over my boys when I can’t be with them.
Of course I become an emotional wreck every time we start “chatting” even though I don’t get a response I’ve on more than one occasion suddenly seen a butterfly pass by or another beauty from nature that I know she would just love. She was basically a Disney Princess in that regard, gentle, beautiful, and so in love and in tune with all the beauty around her. I feel her near me often and her presence has been transferred to everything beautiful I see. I feel her near with every sun set, the sight of the changing fall leaves, and I even feel her in my little boys’ smiles. She loves them so much.
We went camping with the Holman family a few weeks ago and Sagey was telling me how ever since her Grandpa Holman passed away she finds dimes everywhere she goes. Almost as if he’s saying “hi, Sage I’m always here for you” when she really needs it. Ever since we talked I have found over half a dozen dimes lying in the most peculiar of places (I’ve even started to save them in a jar)! It might sound silly to you, but it makes me smile every time. I think of her and miss her everyday, but I’ve loved having those sweet reminders. My miscarriage has been really hard. I really needed that baby and it was beginning to be the perfect distraction from all the pain. I thought it was going to be the way for me to heal my broken heart-in a way & have something to look forward to. I felt Heather was sending me this perfect gift to love and care for and it ripped my heart out to have that taken from me. It didn’t make me question the Gospel or God’s plan, but the pain in my heart and in my body has been so overwhelming. I’ve realized after this miscarriage a few things about myself…I’ve been complemented on several occasions on how strong I must be after this sorrowful year, but the thing is-I don’t FEEL strong. I feel small and sometimes I feel like I have no feelings at all. I’ve noticed that when a burden is just TOO heavy for me I cast it completely on the Lord. I KNOW I can’t do it, I can’t get through it and so I rely 100% on the Lord to carry me through to the next destination of my life. And this is the honest truth. With Heather’s passing and losing our baby I’ve beat myself up for not feeling anything sometimes. But I looked back on all the many trials I’ve been through and that is exactly how the Lord has helped me get through past and present trials. He’s helped me to not feel the things I can’t handle…My heart is so tender and so bruised I know he knows what I can and can’t handle. And even though he’s not going to take away these trials or reverse them he WILL carry me through them and he won’t make me suffer alone. My father in law gave me THE most beautiful blessing I’ve ever received. I felt Heather hold me up during part of the blessing and I felt the immense love God has for me. I was promised so many personal and good things and my sorrows were addressed individually. That blessing ignited a flame in my heart again. Without out it I don’t know how I’d by able to stand. My miscarriage has lasted several weeks and came to completion this past weekend with me miscarrying the actual baby. I didn’t know what to expect because I had a D&C with our last miscarriage (my body wouldn’t miscarry on it’s own). But this time it was horrible. I started my job the same week my miscarriage had peaked and it was all I could do to get through my 5 hour shift with body crippling cramps and using the restroom constantly, to then go home and crash for 6 hours. I didn’t want to complain or tell anyone, I mean I didn’t know ANY of these people and it was my FIRST week…so I suffered in silence. The hard labor did move things along quicker though so that was a blessing. I think all the movement and up and down motions helped my body let go of our precious little one. When I miscarried the baby I was alone and it scared me, I didn’t know what to do & my heart hurt so much knowing I really DID have a baby inside me and that I won’t get to know or raise that little one here on earth. I had nightmare that night too and it’s made me so scared to get pregnant again. I went to bed a crumpled mess and cried myself to sleep. I had to work the next morning and it was really hard to get out of bed…I went through my day as usual though, kept to myself and just tried to hammer out my work. When I was unloading the pallets on my last aisle something caught my eye, it was a dime just sitting on the floor next to my foot smiling at me and shining away and I felt Heather say, “I love you baby sister.” It was such a relief to have some sunshine in my life at that dark moment, I’m so grateful for the experiences I’ve had over the passed few months. I’m still writing them all down, but I’ve had numerous spiritual experiences with Heather that I wouldn’t have had if it weren’t for the sorrow of the miscarriage. I guess there is bitter-sweetness in all things…I have had my own guardian angel that watched over me for 25 years on earth and she is still finding time in her busy schedule in Heaven to check in on me daily. I know Heather can see when I’m hurting and she finds ways to show me she is close by loving me through it all. I also know she has her arms full with my babies in her arms. Heather was promised that she would mother children and who knows, maybe some of those children are mine. And there is nobody on earth or in heaven that I know would do a better job than my little-big sister. The remainder of my blog entries will be letters to my sweet sister, to help me feel close to her always.