I really am just sad today...I've been crying and just wishing I had a turtle shell to haul up in for a few days. I know, I know...I'm 18 weeks pregnant so maybe it's just emotions, but the tunnels of life have just been long and I'm just waiting to see the light again. Something I've learned about being a mom is life can't just stop. No matter the jerks who creep in on your happiness, the troubles you face, or the emotional hurt you inflict on yourself. When your me, you can't ignore your most important job, that of being a mom. Not only am I a full-time mother to Jack, but also a full time mother to this boy growing inside me. No. I'm not feeding, changing, or burping the little guy. But he's sure been giving me endless sleepless nights, headaches, hip aches, queasiness, and all around constant discomfort. I'm not trying to whine, but seriously if you see a grimace on my face it's not you. It's the jabbing pain in my side or the constant belly ache I get whenever I eat. By 5 pm everyday I'd LIKE to call it a night, but most of the time i'm still on full time "chase Jack-Jack duty". You probably are reading this thinking, "wow...what a wimp, I have 5 kids and am not this whiney." We all have limits. I don't think 5 kids is going to be my life long endeavor anymore...
Regular Me:
I need routine and I can't just sit still reading a book or watching a show. I have project after project that fill my head. I'm a clean freak, and love to cook. I enjoy spending time with friends and family. etc etc. I'm basically just try to be a friend to all.
Lately Me:
Don't judge me, don't think I'm insane, don't forget me. Just know I try really really hard to do everything and as of lately I have no energy or desire to do ANYTHING..which means less cooking, less cleaning, less to no effort in relationships. Right now I just need to slow down and get through this next 5 months because pregnancy isn't something that sits well with me. Right now I really just want to get through the day without feeling like a failure. I'm just grateful for the friends and family of mine who really understand me and know that I need them right now, they may be very aware of my absence but still have kept our relationships strong. I'm very good at giving more than I take in a relationship, but I can't seem to meet my usual standards right now. Thank heavens for a husband who knows that and see's me beat myself over it, just to reassure me I'm great and wonderful no matter what. Thank heavens for a mother who probably knows me even more since she's seen every side of me for 23 years. She lifts me up, gives me breaks, and calms my soul. Thank heavens for friends. Never did I appreciate true friends until these past few months when they have kept me busy by stopping by or lending an ear. Thank heavens for my two sisters who call me and text me often, I may not get to see them as much as we would like but they are in my life everyday. I can't wait to feel like myself again. I still try to do so much and find that many opportunities to serve are thrown my way instead, but this is probably because thats the kind of busy I need to be right now. I'm just writing this down because this is my life's journal and I need to get it out of my head and in the open so I don't feel like I need to explain myself to every single person. I feel I am always wanting/needing to say "Im sorry", but now realizing this is just time that will pass and pretty soon I'll reach the end of this tunnel.
4 comments:
I think we all have moments in our lives where we feel like we have hit the wall then been drug through the mud and then when we think we have felt and been through it all BAM! Round three! I am sorry you are having a difficult time! If you need a hand or just a hug give me a buzz we are alot closer now and able to lend a hand where needed. At some point you will look back at this hurdle and marvel at how strong you really are, at how you accomplished so much and at how great of a mother you are. We just have to hold on until then! Love you <3
I feel like I tell you this all the time... but I'm only 5 minutes away. I'll always have time to talk if you need someone to listen. I don't just stop by or just call out of the blue because I don't want to intrude or bother you. I hope you remember that.....and I hope you remember that I come pretty close to understanding exactly how you feel physically right now. :) I can definitely commiserate with you on the pregnancy ailments. I love you, Britt, and I'd probably do just about anything for you. PLEASE don't hesitate to call.
Gosh needed to hear those kind words, after Chris shyly and wincingly told me he would be leaving for two weeks IN two weeks I kinda just wanted to DIE. I hope this summer goes by quick...
Listen sweetie, we all have these kinds of days, weeks, months and sometimes years. (although try not to) You are a sweet, loving, wonderful young woman with a bright future. You are a great mommy to both of your boys and a wonderful wife to a very handsome man. We are glad you are part of our extended family. I love you. Just keep your chin up and don't beat yourself up. This too shall pass and you will be stronger because of it. Plus side is that you will be able to use this experience to help others and lift them through their trials. Love you! I'm a phone call away toots!
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